November 2008
19 posts
Please tell me more about how your four year old nephew is the most important person in the world to you. That’s so interesting. I’d appreciate it if you’d post more blurry pictures of half-eaten pumpkin pie and your ugly dog as well. Oh, you’re really full from eating dinner? That’s crazy! Me too!
Happy fucking Tumblrgiving, everybody. Is it over yet?
It’s just not a major holiday in my family’s house unless one TV is blasting one of the Godfather movies and another is blaring Bond.
Last night I found myself air-Guitar-Heroing. ...
Sign that I am in my hometown: there is absolutely NO ONE in this bar I want to fuck.
Perhaps my standards are not very high but it’s cold out and I need someone to keep my feet warm under the covers. Someone who’s not opposed to squealing loudly when my feet press up against theirs. And then, maybe, squealing loudly over other things later…. when my feet are much warmer.
Also, it would be nice if you were smoking hot.
It’s a damn shame there aren’t more holidays that involve time spent with family, little to no commercialism and stuffing your face. A goddamn travesty.
I will consider it a good day off when my most pressing decision is whether a trip to the mailbox to see if I have new Netflix is worth getting out of my pajamas for.
I think I’m single because I sleep diagonally. Ain’t nobody gonna put up with that shit.
A moment of seriousness. I am getting a little tired of women who think proudly wearing the “bitch” hat is a sign of independent thought and separates them from other women. It doesn’t. It just shows you’re trying too hard and being “bitchy” is the easiest way to be unique and memorable (and, in some weird fucking way, “attractive”)… which,...
There is an inordinate amount of people using Facebook status messages to proclaim their love for their significant other. These people are known as “annoying shits.”
When I die and they bury me, I hope someone tucks my left hand into my waistband. I want to be comfortable.
My right under-eyelid is twitching and it’s kind of cool. Making a twitchy stink-eye in the mirror. I’m kind of enjoying it. That’s weird right? It’s like, when I was younger, I used to like getting the spins while drinking. My own personal tilt-a-whirl. That’s fucking weird, right?
I have an implanted microchip that, when activated, requires me to seek out and kill those who continuously type “tounge.”
Just so you know, the pick-up line “You look great in that hospital gown but it’d look better on my floor in the morning” really shouldn’t work.
Already two masturbation jokes. Not off to a good start. Not at all.
Did you know it’s impossible to be angry while eating kittens? It’s true.
Anybody else masturbate to the puppycam? No? Just me? Fine then.
It’s either this or watching more porn. And my wrist is getting tired.